Tuesday, July 16, 2013

Yoga Therapy for Zombie Bites

image compliments of zombieresearchsociety

So you've been bitten by a zombie.  Is there a pose to cure your ailment?  Sorry to say, there is not one pose that will cure you of the pending transformation into a lurching, brain-seeking, brainless hulk.  However, you might try this sequence to manage your symptoms and ease your mind/body/soul/awareness in your last few moments.

First, find a seated position (maybe a chair?) and listen to, and quietly chant along with, the
Gayatri Mantra.

video of Deva Pramal from Youtube

I've heard it translated to:

We meditate on the glorious radiance 
of the self-luminous light
may that light inspire and illuminate my heart

Gayatri Mantra is a vedic chant, which means it's been used for over 3,000 years.  I have heard it said that this is a strong and protective mantra.  It was originally only used in male populations but it has, thankfully, now been seen as accessible to all.

Here are some other interpretations, so you know what you're chanting.

From Wikipedia:


The following is a list of English paraphrases or free translations.
Sir William Jones1807"Let us adore the supremacy of that divine sun, the god-head who illuminates all, who recreates all, from whom all proceed, to whom all must return, whom we invoke to direct our understandings aright in our progress toward his holy seat."[15]
William Quan Judge1893"Unveil, O Thou who givest sustenance to the Universe, from whom all proceed, to whom all must return, that face of the True Sun now hidden by a vase of golden light, that we may see the truth and do our whole duty on our journey to thy sacred seat."[16]
Sivanath Sastri (Brahmo Samaj)1911"We meditate on the worshipable power and glory of Him who has created the earth, the nether world and the heavens (i.e. the universe), and who directs our understanding."[17]
Swami Vivekananda1915"We meditate on the glory of that Being who has produced this universe; may He enlighten our minds."[18]
S. Radhakrishnan1947, 1953
  1. "We meditate on the effulgent glory of the divine Light; may he inspire our understanding."[19]
  2. "We meditate on the adorable glory of the radiant sun; may he inspire our intelligence."[20]

If you've got a zombie bite, I suggest you take the protective mantle of this mantra and wrap it around you.  It's important to chant calmly and quietly.  It's important not to increase your blood circulation too much in your condition, lest we hasten the onset of zombification.  Sit up in a chair, towards the front of the chair (not leaning back).

Chant quietly, or silently.  You can mentally chant alongside a recording you like to keep the stimulation, and ensuing blood circulation, low.

After chanting, notice how you feel.  Pay special attention to any sensations of blazing white light protecting you.

Now, a chair posture to calm your system, and hopefully, 
your mind and emotions.

Remain sitting in your chair.  Bring your hands to your heart.  Notice your breath becoming slow and gentle.
On an inhale, open your arms out to the side, palms facing forward.  This is an arm position I like to call Cactus Arms.
image compliments of kalaalog.com

On a long, slow exhale, tighten your belly and drape forward over your legs.  Relax your neck.  Close your eyes.

On inhale, return to sitting, hands on heart.

Repeat this movement (inhale - open to cactus arms, exhale - tighten the belly and drape forward over your legs, then return to hands on heart on inhale and exhale in place)  up to ten times.

You may choose to weep over your fate in the draping position.  I would.  Did I mention I have a terrible zombie phobia?

Next, come down on all fours for cakravakasana, 
or ruddy goose pose.  

This posture can be used for a LOT of purposes, but for you, potential zombie, it gives you a chance to say goodbye to your relationship with your spine in a loving way.
image compliments of the awesome Tracy Weber, who owns wholelifeyoga, a community yoga center, in Seattle, WA
By focusing on the exhale and slowing the exhale down, we make this a calming posture.  This posture offers the opportunity to connect with the spine, vertebra by vertebra, from bottom to top, on the way down (exhale).  If you want to get fancy, you can connect with the vertebra of the spine from top to bottom as you lift forward with the chest, on inhale.  But when you begin focusing on the inhale, you increase the stimulation, circulation, and hasten your own demise.  (So use it carefully!)

Now, find your way into corpse pose.  (Fitting ending, eh?)
image compliments of yogaforharmony

Let go, rest, and dissolve into the unknown.

Good luck.
I hope you remember me when you're out brain-hunting.  Maybe skip my house?

Check out this HILARIOUS video: it is the inspiration for this post.


"hubby" said...

I am sorry to be skeptical but I don't see any evidence that this post has been through a rigorous peer review process. Zombie science is a new and exciting field, but it's not the wild west out there. There are standards. Did you do a double blind study, perhaps even have a control group of zombies perform these poses? If so, the footnote isn't loading for me.

Anna Van Fleet said...

thank you, dear hubby, for your concern. I am scared of zombies thus my research is limited.

thank you also for the video that inspired this post. you are the best.

"hubby" said...

Fear is the mind killer.

Zombies are the mind eaters.

Pick your poison.