Living with infertility

Today is International Women's Day, which coincides with my need to speak truth on this blog.  My blog.  Where I've been silent for many months.

I've been trying to get pregnant!  And it hasn't been working.  And, for some reason, I felt like I needed to hide.  Why is this struggle pushed under the table for so many of us?  Why do we fear to speak about our fears, our worries, and our truths?

Speaking about the shadow walk I've been doing through the disappointment, the coping, the falling, and the tears also gives me the chance to speak about the strong role I'm taking in managing my own condition through diet, exercise, stress management, supplementation, acupuncture, and therapy.

So to all the women out there who are going through a secret struggle - whether it is infertility, miscarriage, incontinence, prolapse, depression, anxiety, OCD, eating disorders, etc.  I support you to speak your truth.  And I honor your struggles and I encourage you to get help.

Personal and couples therapy have both supported me in this time, even though they sometimes come at odds - and leave me feeling ripped apart.  But the honest processing of each cycle of grief (when you don't get what you're really hoping for - a positive pregnancy test) has helped me not turn to food and alcohol to soothe myself as much.

I also see the role that overeating and eating crap and drinking regularly has in the current predicament I'm in.  I have long wonky cycles that regulate as I take better care of myself.  For all my life, I've never lashed out at others.  I have a delicious talent for harming myself with self-destructive habits in response to my environment and relationships with others.  It has finally come home to roost - taking my stress out on myself shows up clearly in my endocrine system.  Thanks to a cool tool called the Ovagraph, I'm seeing the data of the wonky cycles like never before.

There is pain and suffering in this.  But there is also a desire to live.  And the desire to see a fourth face in my family is something that, at one time, I wasn't sure I'd be able to handle.  Now I want it more than anything.  It's pulling me toward the light.  The light of spirituality over addiction.  The love of Divine Mother in everything.  The knowledge that I am not my thoughts and that I can act in alignment, rather than reacting in fear.

Sisters of the world, this is my truth today.  It's your day to live in real life, in real time, in real voice... with whatever you're going through.

Look Outside

Image compliments of theknot.com

Here in Vermont, the beauty is just astounding.  The land is known for its explosion of color and this year the reds, yellows, and oranges spring up and transform daily.

I completed my yoga therapist certification in late August!  Woohoo!  This (above) image is actually the spot where I went to do a photo shoot for my business website last week.  It's just a stunning view.  I used to live nearby this spot and it's very powerful and meaningful for me to do work photos there.

I find myself in the midst of many pots on the stove, so to speak.  There are many projects I’m cooking up.  Connections to tend, roots to spread, content to create.  With so many to-do’s to make progress with, it’s easy to feel frustrated with the ebb and flow of family life.  But I am so grateful for my family!  And each dinner hustle that breaks over the dining room table into a moment of shared thanks, our hands clasped, is the heart of life and I wouldn’t change it for the world.

So I take this autumn as a time to reflect on change.

Change is at the heart of our yoga teachings.  Usually, we're trying to hold onto things and fearing change!  However, there is also a competing desire - the desire to enact change in the face of the status quo.

I get frustrated with my stasis... my inability to make all my projects "come true" on my timeline, my inability to shift my daily habits as much as I'd like.  But then I look around and know, deeply, that change swirls around us, constantly.

Observe change.  Bless each day.  Give thanks for life.  

And may the projects unfold in a harmonious manner.

How my cat helps me battle addiction

How to deal with Anxiety - Breathing technique

Matter over mind

Image compliments of McGill Packlab

I'm enjoying my lunch.  Wait... am I?

As I packed up the leftovers from dinner last night, I thought, "Hmmm... this might make a good lunch."  Then I picked up the tupperware this morning to find that the "mice" (dear husband) had gotten to it in the night, and there was half as much as was there last night.

I had a sinking feeling this morning that, "It wouldn't be enough."  

One chicken thigh and a cup of sauteed cauliflower.  I threw in some lettuce greens and headed to work.

On my way back to the office from an appointment, I had to resist the urge to get a small soup (ooh - white bean soup - protein - it will be perfect.  It will make my lunch an appropriate amount).

I force myself to slow down and enjoy the food, because if I don't, it will be gone before I know it, and I will be sad.

Instead of bemoaning the "too small" amount of food, I take smaller bites.  I imagine how one chicken thigh could be 30 bites, or 10 bites.  I take breaks.  I chew completely and swallow before having more.

And somewhere along the way I realize, this is just right.  This is just the amount my body needs, not too little at all.

I wonder for how many years (and pounds) thoughts about my body:

• I'll be hungry later.
• I need more protein.
• This isn't enough food.

have been taking the place of the TRUE needs of my mind:

• I need more relief.
• I need more downtime.
• This isn't enough self-care.

Because with a SLOWER, smaller lunch... there actually seems to be no downside.  Matter is satisfied.  It's the mind that needs to be understood, soothed, and given times of rest.

Take a break (for goodness' sake!)

Thanks to Rev. Dr. Michael Bernard Beckwith at www.agapelive.com for the inspiration for this technique!

Three tips to fall asleep and stay asleep

Three tips to fall asleep and stay asleep with yoga breathing in bed in under two minutes!  Enjoy!